I am my beloveds, and my beloved is mine.

I don't think I have ever been in love

That is, until now. Yes, I was living unconsciously. Minding my own business and trying to forget men in general.

I had known nothing in my life, but men who want something. They want to take.They want to own, to possess, to control. I would be the trophy, the caregiver, the scapegoat, the one to hurt.

So, how would I know, when he came into my life, that he was 'the one?'

Well, I didn't. Now, I'm left in the ashes of 'what could have been.'



Yes, he'd come and gone before I knew what hit me. I am full of grief at the mere taste of it.

I cry at his departure and hang on to the future. I ask myself over and over again, "Is this what love is? Is this impossible feat a possibility?"

I allow the thoughts of him to run through my head, unabated. Like a child at the sight of a carnival, they begin. All the way back to the beginning and every detail remembered.

Then I cry again. I can't stop. It slipped through my fingers and I feel as if I am grasping at air.


I want him, yet I cannot have him. And it is then that I begin to imagine the ugliness. Perhaps it's only the fantasy that is good. Perhaps this is love. The fantasy. As I read a love quote I think of others who must have experienced this. "The love which lasts the longest, is the love that isn't returned." Oh, how true and utterly sad.



Do I tell this man how I feel? Or is that silly and a setup for more rejection. Am I reading the signals wrong? I'm not one to chase after anyone, yet I hurt him, and feigned disinterest, only to protect him. I knew immediately it was a mistake. As soon as the deed was done, I was angry at myself. How stupid I was!



Now, I want to tell him how deeply I have fallen in love with him, yet I don't know how. I live with this pain. I want to hear his voice and look into his eyes. I want to stand close and see him acting like a young boy with a crush. I long to hear him say my name.



But......I blew it.