Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday, July 30, 2010
I'm Old!
Well, this morning I flew up from Ft Lauderdale and I sat next to a little old lady and her husband. She was precious. I wondered if I was so attentive because of the fact that I just brought my own mother to live with me. When people ask, "doesn't everyone know how to fasten a seat belt?" I can tell you, that this seems to be something older people struggle with. This poor woman was trying in vain to connect them, and as I reached over to help her, I realized her husband was worse. He just couldn't do it and I tried to reach across the woman to connect his as well.Now later on she told me that her husband used to run a whole large department in the police department in DC. I thought of how we can be so bright and competent as to run large departments and keep it all together, and years of aging reduce us to little dependent children again.
I bet this man couldn't have imagined this for his life.
The woman told me of how they had met at the police department and she told me several times. She told me that this was her second marriage and when I'd asked how long they'd been married, she didn't know. Neither did he, but they both concurred, "a long time."
They were adorable together as she would lean into me and whisper, "He's starting to fail." Then she added, "Women seem to be around longer than men,don't they?"
At this she started laughing hilariously as I shared that, indeed, in the nursing homes, the women fought over them, as there were 6 women to every one man.
The biggest joke I have with my daughter, I told her, is when she promised she'd never put me in one of those nursing homes when I get old, at which point I screamed, "Oh no you don't! You don't think I poured all my life into you so that you can rob me of the one thing I have to look forward to, do you???"
I think I may have actually planted some seeds with this LOL, (little old lady) since she was deep in thought as I was joking about it.
She looked at me several times and said, "You are so pretty. You have a lot of time. I'm just old."
When she took my hands at one point and actually prayed that the Lord would bless me, I was so touched.
The flight attendant came up to them to ask if they had a wheelchair waiting and when she discovered they did not, she told them she would ask for one. She said, "I'm not saying you can't walk, but it's just easier for you to get through the airport with one."
Now the woman turns to me and asks, "Is this because we're old?" "Oh no!" I tell her, in fact everyone is overwhelmed in a new airport and they are so spread out, it's a very good service to have."
"Oh, how wonderful!" She exclaimed. "Are you getting one too?"
Haha! I probably should, but I'm in uniform, so I doubt they will let me have one. It's for the special people and I guess they assume, I can get there since I work in the airports."
"Oh, you do? Oh yes, I see you are in a uniform!I didn't even notice."
She kept telling me that she was so happy to be sitting next to me. "You are just so nice," she kept saying over and over again.
"Well, you are very nice too, and I'm glad we could sit together."
I shared with her that my mother had come to stay and she said, "Oh, I took care of my mother too, when she was in her nineties."
Well, now this woman was heading there herself, as she was 87, but I see that she had been through, what I was just now beginning.
A journey of caring for one of your aging parents. And I could also see through her eyes, just how special and fleeting this time really is.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I am my beloveds, and my beloved is mine.
I don't think I have ever been in love
That is, until now. Yes, I was living unconsciously. Minding my own business and trying to forget men in general.
I had known nothing in my life, but men who want something. They want to take.They want to own, to possess, to control. I would be the trophy, the caregiver, the scapegoat, the one to hurt.
So, how would I know, when he came into my life, that he was 'the one?'
Well, I didn't. Now, I'm left in the ashes of 'what could have been.'
Yes, he'd come and gone before I knew what hit me. I am full of grief at the mere taste of it.
I cry at his departure and hang on to the future. I ask myself over and over again, "Is this what love is? Is this impossible feat a possibility?"
I allow the thoughts of him to run through my head, unabated. Like a child at the sight of a carnival, they begin. All the way back to the beginning and every detail remembered.
Then I cry again. I can't stop. It slipped through my fingers and I feel as if I am grasping at air.
I want him, yet I cannot have him. And it is then that I begin to imagine the ugliness. Perhaps it's only the fantasy that is good. Perhaps this is love. The fantasy. As I read a love quote I think of others who must have experienced this. "The love which lasts the longest, is the love that isn't returned." Oh, how true and utterly sad.
Do I tell this man how I feel? Or is that silly and a setup for more rejection. Am I reading the signals wrong? I'm not one to chase after anyone, yet I hurt him, and feigned disinterest, only to protect him. I knew immediately it was a mistake. As soon as the deed was done, I was angry at myself. How stupid I was!
Now, I want to tell him how deeply I have fallen in love with him, yet I don't know how. I live with this pain. I want to hear his voice and look into his eyes. I want to stand close and see him acting like a young boy with a crush. I long to hear him say my name.
But......I blew it.
That is, until now. Yes, I was living unconsciously. Minding my own business and trying to forget men in general.
I had known nothing in my life, but men who want something. They want to take.They want to own, to possess, to control. I would be the trophy, the caregiver, the scapegoat, the one to hurt.
So, how would I know, when he came into my life, that he was 'the one?'
Well, I didn't. Now, I'm left in the ashes of 'what could have been.'
Yes, he'd come and gone before I knew what hit me. I am full of grief at the mere taste of it.
I cry at his departure and hang on to the future. I ask myself over and over again, "Is this what love is? Is this impossible feat a possibility?"
I allow the thoughts of him to run through my head, unabated. Like a child at the sight of a carnival, they begin. All the way back to the beginning and every detail remembered.
Then I cry again. I can't stop. It slipped through my fingers and I feel as if I am grasping at air.
I want him, yet I cannot have him. And it is then that I begin to imagine the ugliness. Perhaps it's only the fantasy that is good. Perhaps this is love. The fantasy. As I read a love quote I think of others who must have experienced this. "The love which lasts the longest, is the love that isn't returned." Oh, how true and utterly sad.
Do I tell this man how I feel? Or is that silly and a setup for more rejection. Am I reading the signals wrong? I'm not one to chase after anyone, yet I hurt him, and feigned disinterest, only to protect him. I knew immediately it was a mistake. As soon as the deed was done, I was angry at myself. How stupid I was!
Now, I want to tell him how deeply I have fallen in love with him, yet I don't know how. I live with this pain. I want to hear his voice and look into his eyes. I want to stand close and see him acting like a young boy with a crush. I long to hear him say my name.
But......I blew it.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
My great deception
And this is how it all started;
I received a panicked call from my friend the other day." C-I need your help! I think Jim (names changed to protect the innocent-which I don't think Jim happens to be) is cheating on me."
"It all started when I returned home from a trip. He knows I'm not computer savvy and I only use it for work. I had to print up some papers and since my printer is in another room, I went to retrieve them.
Jim was sitting in the living room as I went to collect my documents. That's when I received a shocking stack of, what can only be termed, 'porn'! I kept getting one print after another of topless girls spewing out of my printer! Then I went to my computer and looked at the history. It had all of these websites that sounded like porn sites! He probably hit the print button by mistake, cause I'm sure he didn't want me to see this. And I'm positive he thinks I'm too dumb on the computer to look up the history! I'm just sick about this right now! What should I do? I not at the house now, but I'm going back soon and I don't want to blowup at him, just yet. He will just convince me that everything is a big mistake. Oh, and one other thing, I think he has a Facebook too! He has made so many comments to me in the past, like, "Yea, you don't need to get on that Facebook!" Now I know why. I believe he is!"
So, I'm wondering C, can you do me a big favor? Can you look him up on Facebook and see if he's on there?"
"Ok, settle down Kim. I'll just Google his name and we'll see if he has anything on him." "What's Google?"She asks. "Hmmm, I'm thinking this guy Jim, clearly has the advantage in Cyber world."
It's a search engine and you can look up people and find out lots of info. Like if he's got a lot history, it may register in the data base. Although, I don't believe even this guy could be that stupid, to use his real name when signing up on a porn site."
But, who knows? He was stupid enough to press print, I'm thinking. Although in my mind, this is how people get caught. It's usually in the most hilarious ways.
Now I am just walking into my own house and tell her I'm just about to sign on. "What's his middle name?" "Oh, I don't even know that. Isn't that terrible?" She asks. You'd think after living with him for this many years, I would know something like that."
Wow, it doesn't even take a licensed couples counselor to see that they have some major problems, the fact that she doesn't even know his middle name, being the very least, of the problems. Which made me think some of those porn girls, already know that and a whole lot more!
"Here I am, and under his name and a middle of Jordan, there's a few things. It shows a Facebook as well. I'll look up this name on Facebook and see if we have a match."
"Bingo! Here he is." I remembered meeting him only twice. Big, buff guy. Mid-forties. Not bad looking, although he sure wouldn't be my choice. He has nothing and he is a fitness instructor. Which to my mind suggests he may give women more than healthy body tips.
"Oh my gosh! I am just sick about this! Can you see anything about him?" "Yes, he has about 50 friends and most of them are women." "Oh no! Are they cute?" "Come on Kim! Don't torture yourself with this. We've already proven by the prints that he is accessing porn sites. Who cares if these women are cute? It's obvious, he's looking for something more than a cute face."
"Are any of them local?"She now asks. She's getting more and more worked up and as I start perusing the women, posing in bathing suits in front of nice cars, etc., I tell her yes. "Ok, Kim, some of these women may just be friends." (Isn't that what they always tell us anyway?)
"No! I'm sick and tired of this crap! I'm going to look this up myself, when I get home!" "Listen, I tell her. You can't just get yourself worked up. You have to decide what you're going to do with this knowledge or I am going to regret I ever did this for you."
I personally thought the guy was a jerk a long time ago. Kim has been putting up with him living off of her and his verbal abuse, to boot. I told her a long time ago to kick him to the curb, but she is so insecure, she hasn't done it.
"Listen, C, this will just make me stronger. Strength is what I need to get him out of my life once and for all!"
"Ok, if that's your plan I will help." "Hey C-why don't you see if he'll message you on Facebook?" "No, I can't, he already knows me." "Yea, that's true. Maybe if it was a stranger he would."
"Hey, Kim, I've got an idea. Why don't I get a fake Facebook and see if he takes the bait?" "Can you do that?" "Yea, of course I can. My daughter and her friends do it all the time. In fact, one of her friends is a guy!" She cracked up at that. "Yea, you can be whomever you choose. But listen, you cannot let on that you've set him up in any way." Already, I'm feeling very skeptical, because I know how weak she is. "Oh no, I'm not saying a word because he'll just claim I'm crazy and insecure. I want to have solid proof. It would be great if you say you live nearby and ask him if he wants to meet. That's when I'll have him!"
I agree to this devious plan and set it in motion after reminding her once more, Not to say anything.
After getting off the phone, I begin my assignment. It reminds me of one of my relationships when I was in my late teens/early twenties. The guy was constantly cheating and I got to be a professional at 'setups.' One was so good that I actually met the girl and we both set him up. It was hilarious and afterward, he said, "if I didn't know better I'd think you set me up." "Oh, how could I do something like that?" I asked. "How would I have even known about this girl?" It just so happened that I found a slip of paper in his trash with a phone number on it. I later found a card buried in the back of his dresser drawer with "I love you-signed Joy, written on it. I put two and two together and called the number, inquiring if this was, Joy. Voila! We met and the rest was the perfect setup. I'm still quite proud of that one and he still doesn't know. Yes, perhaps I will share that with him one day.
Anyway, I digress; I still needed a fake name, history and picture. The name was easy. I took a version of my own, coupled it with a great grandparent by 4 generations, and my history was a region close to my own.
Now for the picture. Hmmm, I can't be overtly sexy, because this scoundrel is already expecting a setup. This would be obvious. So I scoured the images for blonde's on the Internet. Finally, I found one that seems perfect. She is cute, but you can't see her real close. She's wearing a cute top and skirt and she looks to be sexy without looking trashy. (although he's the trashy type) I'm thinking this may be close to my own appearance, but not me. Just in case the Feds show up one day asking me to explain. I will have pics available and show a resemblance. lol
Now I put my account together and make some friend requests. I say in my profile that I am a single woman looking for me. Now it was scary for me to see just how easy this deception went over.
I joined a social site and make requests. I assume I would look better to have a few friends before requesting Jim to "friend me."
Sure enough, I get hits immediately. Two guys and they both have kids in their pics. Oh, my gosh! I am feeling something I didn't expect. Guilt. How can I do this?
I go and make my confession. My daughter is sitting right in the next room and I start my guilty missive, "I am so despicable. I have a guy that just messaged me and he has the cutest little boy. Here I am deceiving him. This is sick." "Come on mom! He might not be that guy either!" Hey, you know, she's right? I just had my conscience cleared by my daughter. Let the games begin!!!
The next day 4 more friend request and emails as well. My stories are getting better too. I am feeling much the same as a person dressed in a Halloween costume and so immune to judgement of any kind. This is amazing!
The next day, more requests as I continue my banter about my life and my school, etc. One guy did claim to be from the same school and questioned, why it is he didn't remember me. "Gee, I sure don't know! Why Don't you remember me???" I say it in a way, that I am sure will turn the guilt back to him. I mean, I'm an attractive girl, how dare he forget me!
So I'm up to 12 friends and I decide it's time to pounce! I send my friend request to Jim. I told him I was doing a search on FB for my friend by the same name and I'd seen his pic. I also shared that I was a local girl and asked if he knew of any places that were decent for entertainment, since I had just moved to the area not long ago.
I spoke to my friend Kim. Now she told me she had a big blowup with him. She couldn't hold back. Did I say, I thought she was going to do this? Of course he tried to turn the tables on her, and tell her she had a lot of nerve looking at his personal business! This guy is amazing. Everything is hers, including the computer, and yet, he still manages to make her feel she did something wrong for invading his privacy.
"Well that's just great, Kim. I'm still waiting for Jim to respond to my request and in the mean time, I've got men requesting me like crazy! I'm an impostor and it's all your fault!"
But now, I'm wondering how many people I've ever talked to online are really who they claim to be. My mind wanders back through many years of chats. Gee sh! I bet everyone is faking it.
But hey, I just may find a new match for my friend out of all of this. And it's an excellent study in human behavior!
So, just remember when you think you've found that 'perfect match,' online. It may be someone else completely.
I received a panicked call from my friend the other day." C-I need your help! I think Jim (names changed to protect the innocent-which I don't think Jim happens to be) is cheating on me."
"It all started when I returned home from a trip. He knows I'm not computer savvy and I only use it for work. I had to print up some papers and since my printer is in another room, I went to retrieve them.
Jim was sitting in the living room as I went to collect my documents. That's when I received a shocking stack of, what can only be termed, 'porn'! I kept getting one print after another of topless girls spewing out of my printer! Then I went to my computer and looked at the history. It had all of these websites that sounded like porn sites! He probably hit the print button by mistake, cause I'm sure he didn't want me to see this. And I'm positive he thinks I'm too dumb on the computer to look up the history! I'm just sick about this right now! What should I do? I not at the house now, but I'm going back soon and I don't want to blowup at him, just yet. He will just convince me that everything is a big mistake. Oh, and one other thing, I think he has a Facebook too! He has made so many comments to me in the past, like, "Yea, you don't need to get on that Facebook!" Now I know why. I believe he is!"
So, I'm wondering C, can you do me a big favor? Can you look him up on Facebook and see if he's on there?"
"Ok, settle down Kim. I'll just Google his name and we'll see if he has anything on him." "What's Google?"She asks. "Hmmm, I'm thinking this guy Jim, clearly has the advantage in Cyber world."
It's a search engine and you can look up people and find out lots of info. Like if he's got a lot history, it may register in the data base. Although, I don't believe even this guy could be that stupid, to use his real name when signing up on a porn site."
But, who knows? He was stupid enough to press print, I'm thinking. Although in my mind, this is how people get caught. It's usually in the most hilarious ways.
Now I am just walking into my own house and tell her I'm just about to sign on. "What's his middle name?" "Oh, I don't even know that. Isn't that terrible?" She asks. You'd think after living with him for this many years, I would know something like that."
Wow, it doesn't even take a licensed couples counselor to see that they have some major problems, the fact that she doesn't even know his middle name, being the very least, of the problems. Which made me think some of those porn girls, already know that and a whole lot more!
"Here I am, and under his name and a middle of Jordan, there's a few things. It shows a Facebook as well. I'll look up this name on Facebook and see if we have a match."
"Bingo! Here he is." I remembered meeting him only twice. Big, buff guy. Mid-forties. Not bad looking, although he sure wouldn't be my choice. He has nothing and he is a fitness instructor. Which to my mind suggests he may give women more than healthy body tips.
"Oh my gosh! I am just sick about this! Can you see anything about him?" "Yes, he has about 50 friends and most of them are women." "Oh no! Are they cute?" "Come on Kim! Don't torture yourself with this. We've already proven by the prints that he is accessing porn sites. Who cares if these women are cute? It's obvious, he's looking for something more than a cute face."
"Are any of them local?"She now asks. She's getting more and more worked up and as I start perusing the women, posing in bathing suits in front of nice cars, etc., I tell her yes. "Ok, Kim, some of these women may just be friends." (Isn't that what they always tell us anyway?)
"No! I'm sick and tired of this crap! I'm going to look this up myself, when I get home!" "Listen, I tell her. You can't just get yourself worked up. You have to decide what you're going to do with this knowledge or I am going to regret I ever did this for you."
I personally thought the guy was a jerk a long time ago. Kim has been putting up with him living off of her and his verbal abuse, to boot. I told her a long time ago to kick him to the curb, but she is so insecure, she hasn't done it.
"Listen, C, this will just make me stronger. Strength is what I need to get him out of my life once and for all!"
"Ok, if that's your plan I will help." "Hey C-why don't you see if he'll message you on Facebook?" "No, I can't, he already knows me." "Yea, that's true. Maybe if it was a stranger he would."
"Hey, Kim, I've got an idea. Why don't I get a fake Facebook and see if he takes the bait?" "Can you do that?" "Yea, of course I can. My daughter and her friends do it all the time. In fact, one of her friends is a guy!" She cracked up at that. "Yea, you can be whomever you choose. But listen, you cannot let on that you've set him up in any way." Already, I'm feeling very skeptical, because I know how weak she is. "Oh no, I'm not saying a word because he'll just claim I'm crazy and insecure. I want to have solid proof. It would be great if you say you live nearby and ask him if he wants to meet. That's when I'll have him!"
I agree to this devious plan and set it in motion after reminding her once more, Not to say anything.
After getting off the phone, I begin my assignment. It reminds me of one of my relationships when I was in my late teens/early twenties. The guy was constantly cheating and I got to be a professional at 'setups.' One was so good that I actually met the girl and we both set him up. It was hilarious and afterward, he said, "if I didn't know better I'd think you set me up." "Oh, how could I do something like that?" I asked. "How would I have even known about this girl?" It just so happened that I found a slip of paper in his trash with a phone number on it. I later found a card buried in the back of his dresser drawer with "I love you-signed Joy, written on it. I put two and two together and called the number, inquiring if this was, Joy. Voila! We met and the rest was the perfect setup. I'm still quite proud of that one and he still doesn't know. Yes, perhaps I will share that with him one day.
Anyway, I digress; I still needed a fake name, history and picture. The name was easy. I took a version of my own, coupled it with a great grandparent by 4 generations, and my history was a region close to my own.
Now for the picture. Hmmm, I can't be overtly sexy, because this scoundrel is already expecting a setup. This would be obvious. So I scoured the images for blonde's on the Internet. Finally, I found one that seems perfect. She is cute, but you can't see her real close. She's wearing a cute top and skirt and she looks to be sexy without looking trashy. (although he's the trashy type) I'm thinking this may be close to my own appearance, but not me. Just in case the Feds show up one day asking me to explain. I will have pics available and show a resemblance. lol
Now I put my account together and make some friend requests. I say in my profile that I am a single woman looking for me. Now it was scary for me to see just how easy this deception went over.
I joined a social site and make requests. I assume I would look better to have a few friends before requesting Jim to "friend me."
Sure enough, I get hits immediately. Two guys and they both have kids in their pics. Oh, my gosh! I am feeling something I didn't expect. Guilt. How can I do this?
I go and make my confession. My daughter is sitting right in the next room and I start my guilty missive, "I am so despicable. I have a guy that just messaged me and he has the cutest little boy. Here I am deceiving him. This is sick." "Come on mom! He might not be that guy either!" Hey, you know, she's right? I just had my conscience cleared by my daughter. Let the games begin!!!
The next day 4 more friend request and emails as well. My stories are getting better too. I am feeling much the same as a person dressed in a Halloween costume and so immune to judgement of any kind. This is amazing!
The next day, more requests as I continue my banter about my life and my school, etc. One guy did claim to be from the same school and questioned, why it is he didn't remember me. "Gee, I sure don't know! Why Don't you remember me???" I say it in a way, that I am sure will turn the guilt back to him. I mean, I'm an attractive girl, how dare he forget me!
So I'm up to 12 friends and I decide it's time to pounce! I send my friend request to Jim. I told him I was doing a search on FB for my friend by the same name and I'd seen his pic. I also shared that I was a local girl and asked if he knew of any places that were decent for entertainment, since I had just moved to the area not long ago.
I spoke to my friend Kim. Now she told me she had a big blowup with him. She couldn't hold back. Did I say, I thought she was going to do this? Of course he tried to turn the tables on her, and tell her she had a lot of nerve looking at his personal business! This guy is amazing. Everything is hers, including the computer, and yet, he still manages to make her feel she did something wrong for invading his privacy.
"Well that's just great, Kim. I'm still waiting for Jim to respond to my request and in the mean time, I've got men requesting me like crazy! I'm an impostor and it's all your fault!"
But now, I'm wondering how many people I've ever talked to online are really who they claim to be. My mind wanders back through many years of chats. Gee sh! I bet everyone is faking it.
But hey, I just may find a new match for my friend out of all of this. And it's an excellent study in human behavior!
So, just remember when you think you've found that 'perfect match,' online. It may be someone else completely.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)